I guess I should start a personal blog. I know this is really off-topic, but I am not ready to maintain two separate blogs, and knowing me better might help you understand what drives me.
Yesterday was Joshua’s 17th birthday. I didn’t visit his grave, or do anything special to ‘celebrate’. I did, however, remember. I often remember by reflecting on my inadequacies….as a person, as a mother. I have always struggled with thinking that I am not enough.
I recently splurged (from Amazon, used, for $1 each) and ordered all of Oriah’s books for my personal library – The Invitation, The Dance, The Call, and What We Ache For. I started reading The Dance last night. Words that were written just for me spoke softly to me from the first paragraph, “I write these words to name myself – to name each of us – worthy of going home, worthy of having our longing met, worthy of awakening in the arms of the Beloved. Finding and voicing our soul’s longing is not enough. Our ability to live in a way that is consistent with our longing – our ability to dance – is dependent upon what we believe we must do. If our intention is to change who we essentially are, we will fail. If our intention is to become who we essentially are, we cannot help but to live true to the deepest longings of our soul.” ~Balm to my soul.~
I am always pretty transparent, but today I am exposing my greatest weakness. I never think I am enough. I look at my shortcomings and want to reinvent who God made me to be. Over the past few years, especially the last year and a half, I have felt my calling stronger than ever to be who I was created to be. I am not perfect, and I am not always as authentic as I should be. I judge when I should embrace. I can be snarky, and my filter doesn’t always work. I speak my mind. I am not ashamed to share offensive information, but I am ashamed when I offend in the way I share it.
When Joshua died, I knew that my choices had played a part in that. I could be burdened by that, or choose to see it as a catalyst to change, and educate others. It has been a slow journey, and I fall down often. My family isn’t ‘on board’ as much as I would like them to be. But I press on, not always because I *want* to, but because when the Spirit tugs on your heart, it is irresistible. Sometimes I think of Joshua’s death as a driving force. Losing him was one of the hardest things I have suffered as a mother, and yet when I am privileged to impact someone’s life, it lessens the pain because I know his death triggered my transition.
In this life, I know I will never be ‘enough’. I will always strive for perfection. I am learning to beat myself up less when I fail. I have turned loose of the dream to help everyone see what I see, knowing that God will open eyes. I am just a broken vessel, willing myself to pour out what has been given to me daily, that I might be filled again. There are days when I hold back. Days that I don’t give all of me… and those are the days when I struggle most. Joshua’s short life (Oct 16-19) will never feel like enough to me. (If you want to read more about Joshua, you can read from my retired blog here. I selfishly wish that I could have been spared that heart wrenching experience. But I also know that it has molded me into who I have become, and it motivates me when nothing else does.
On days when I want more than anything for people to listen, to change, to see, I think deep down in the depths of my unconscious soul I am crying out, “Please hear, please see, please make the life sacrificed worthwhile.” Reading The Dance is a balm to my soul. Seeing others make changes that are literally saving their lives is where the healing has taken place. I am driven to educate, not because I am a zealot, but because I NEED to. I thrive off of seeing lives changed. It doesn’t feed my ego when I see it happen, it feeds my soul. Thank you to all who have blessed me with that opportunity, especially all my MetamorphU 90 Day Total Transformation students and my Zija family!